i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
there is glitter all over my balls
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
