i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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