dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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