your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
