They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
