I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
