you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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