I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize