how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
