OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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