hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
