the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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