'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
