I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
