you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
