Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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