overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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