I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
