He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
