we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
