I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
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decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
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How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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