Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
