You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
