I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
