So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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