Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
