the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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