I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
