Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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