I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Randomize
