she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
