Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
