I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
that is very illegal...i love you.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
