when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
