hotel room ftw
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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