broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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