Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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