btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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