Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
