Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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