my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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