ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Farmville is her only friend.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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