Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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