the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
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he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
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I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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