why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
