Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
