sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
