so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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