Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
