Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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