I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
