I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
