I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
