Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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