I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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