I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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