I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
