I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
