he thought i was a dude.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
